The Wake-Up Call
Annabel in all her adorableness.
ANNABEL: (Jumps on my bladder. Purrs. Hopes for the best.)
ME: Blergh. Five more minutes…zzzzz. (I roll over.)
SHAY: (Jumps on my chest. Purrs. When he sees that’s not working, he begins to meow. When he sees that’s not working, he starts making a loud, chewing noise in my ear, kind of like a cow chewing cud. Then he meows some more. Loudly.)
ME: Zzzzzzzzz… (I pull a pillow over my head.)
JUPITER: (Jumps on my head. Gets pushed off the bed. Runs back and forth across the house several times. Jumps back on the bed again. Bites me.)
ME: Ow! What the fu–
JUPITER: Oh, you’re up.
ME: Okay, it’s time to get food!
(All three cats run into the kitchen.)
SHAY: I’m so hungry! So hungry! I’m probably dying! I haven’t been fed in five hours! If you ever loved me at all, please feed me!!!
JUPITER: I will eat your food, and your food and your food, and ALL THE FOOD!
ANNABEL: (Waits patiently.)
ME: (Gives Annabel her medicine.)
SHAY: What is taking so long??? Can’t you see that I’m DYING over here? Literally dying! I’m dead. I’m dead.
JUPITER: I want chicken, I want liver, Meow Mix, Meow Mix, please deliver!
ANNABEL: (Takes meds. Strolls to water fountain. Drinks.)
ME: (Opens cans of food.)
SHAY: I’m almost dead! Seriously! I mean it this time!
JUPITER: Whee! (Jumps on counter. Eats all the food from the can in one bite.)
ME: Jupiter, dammit! (Carries Jupiter to office–where his food bowl is located, by the way–and shuts door behind him.)
JUPITER: (Crying from behind door.) Torture! Murder! What hast I done to deservest this cruel fate?
SHAY: You? I haven’t eaten in five hours and FIVE minutes!
JUPITER: Whose fault is that? There’s a whole smorgasbord right in front of you.
SHAY: We’re not all heathens who eat Styrofoam take-out boxes from garbage cans! You know how that messes with my digestion!
ANNABEL: (Grooms self.)
ME: (Puts bowl in front of Shay.) Here you go.
SHAY: Finally! (Takes one bite. Throws up.)
ME: Dammit! (Cleans up puke. Turns to Annabel.) All right, Annabel, your turn.
ANNABEL: (Strolls up to bedroom. Waits patiently.)
ME: Here you go. (Sets food down.)
ANNABEL: You know, I was really in the mood for chicken tonight…
(A bug crawls up the living room wall.)
ANNABEL: (Glances up from her perch on the side of the couch. Sees bug.) So there’s a spot on the wall that’s moving. Is someone going to get that? Or something? Whatever. (Goes back to sleep.)
SHAY: Oh my God! It’s an insect! It’s so big! It’s got to be about an inch long! It’s going to eat me! I know it’s going to eat me! AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! (Runs away.)
ME: (Walks into living room upon hearing commotion.) What’s wrong, Shay? (Sees bug.) OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD, there’s a bug, it’s got to be at least two inches long, I’m going to die!!!!! (Runs away.)
JUPITER: (Walks into living room.) What’s going on? Where’s everyone going? (Sees bug.) Ohhhh, protein! (Eats bug.)
ME: (Dragging husband downstairs) There’s this HUGE bug on the wall, I mean, it’s got to be about four inches long, with these gigantic tentacles…
HUSBAND: Where? I don’t see any bugs.
JUPITER: (Licks lips.) Could use more salt.